Helga Sinclair Journal
by Helga Sinclair
Summary: Here is a look into Helga (my) Journal.
1. 1901 Friday

**These are my own words and fantasy don't take what I write in my diary posts!**

 **1901 Friday**

Today, Why Today, can't anyone see I'm not in the mood. Off all the days in the year why now.

I hate those military parties my father throws from time to time. To me those parties are just an excuse to show off a new title, or how well a mission went or even a new girlfriend, wife, marriage even a separation. But for my family this time it's more to show off my brothers and there combat skills to some very important Captain that's coming tonight.

Father says that the man just retired from the service and that he's searching for new pupils to train in Fort Dix where this man is going to be a teacher for a little while or something.

Not that I care, even tho I could beat my brothers any day, nobody would care.

It's still early morning now. At least my jaw healed quickly, which my father dislocated last week in one of our many sparring/combat sessions. The week before that, he grabbed me by my throat, now I know he sees me as just an object instead of a daughter.

I probably should get ready now before mama comes in. I will wright about the party too.

Me again, the party is in full swing, we just had dinner and I was presented to everyone. I can't even remember there names so I just gonna call them Sir or Ma'am, which is probably the most safest option there is.

Also I got introduced to captain Lyle T. Rouke, you know the man I wrote about earlier. He has quite a reputation (ow and before I forgot the T in his name stands for Tiberius just an FYI) He's a man you don't want to make mad or to be on his bad side. Which I already sorta pissed him off earlier, so I sorta already did.

I don't care if he killed his own man for disobeying him or him killing his own man against orders I just don't care at all. But still he makes me feel uncomfortable.

He's constantly looking at me and keeping an eye on me, like he follows my every move. What does he want from me anyway.

Oh great as you speak of the devil, he's approaching me great I'm so dead.

Now this night can't get any weirder. Me, Captain Lyle Tiberius Rourke is going to train me. Me, Helga Sinclair.

Sorry about that but this doesn't feel real even when I think about it more it still feels like a joke. The great, strong, dangerous Captain doesn't want to train my brothers instead he wants to train me.

Of course father is proud and I have no choice anyway than to accept since it's an honor to be trained in private under a man as Rourke. But it feels weird, mama isn't to happy with it.

She can't say or do anything, she rather saw me dancing. I love dancing it keeps me flexible and it also helps me a lot in combat ( but that's just my secret).

My father and Rourke are now talking, I can hear every word they are saying, my question is how this man can see my potential of only what my father told him.

It's so weird that I will be his only student and to be alone in a room with this man already gives me second thoughts.

Not that I'm scared I can't wait to beat his ass.

So, last part of today. I'm finally in my bed and probably the last time too.

Since from tomorrow on for God knows how long I will be Rouke his student and also tomorrow I will be traveling with him to Fort Dix. Alone with Rouke, great and I thought this couldn't get any worse.

Who knows what this man is planning for me. I'm sure he's not going to make my life easier no he is gonna make it a living nightmare I bet it's gonna be probably worse than a nightmare.

I'm so tired I should get some sleep, I will write on the train ride to Fort Dix, since it's only Rourke and me so I guess that ride will be pretty awkward. On the train to hell.


	2. 1901 Train To Dix

**These are my own words and fantasy don't take what I write in my diary posts!**

 **1901 Saturday**

Today is the day.

I'm sitting at the train station waiting for Captain Rourke, who already was here when I arrived. At least one of us is looking forward to this trip.

He's buying our train tickets at the moment, so that gives me some time to wright and to think, it also gives me probably the last alone time I will have for a while.

This morning I said my goodbye's to my family, mama got pretty emotional about this all she gave me such a big tight bear hug, father dropped me af alone he thought is was for the best otherwise I would get home sick he said.

To be completely honest I'm not feeling so well, probably cause I don't want this at all.

On the train now just waiting until the engines are starting so that we can leave, I have to sit on this train the whole day and night since it's only 7am right now, untill we arrive at Dix the next morning. This is gonna be such a long day and ride ugh.

Well since it's nice that everyone has there own train cabin, I'm stuck with Rourke for some time maybe I can get to know him a bit better, it's not like there is anything else to do.

He's reading some western book about cowboys right now figures since he comes from Texas, after he has read the whole newspaper Well my guesses are that he really loves reading apparently.

How many hours am I already on this stupid train. I want to get off + Rourke keeps starring and looking at me, I wonder what he might be thinking, on second thought never mind if it's something I don't want to know.

Okay so this man is nuts!

Who does he think he is, making threats towards me. To be honest he got me scared for a minute.

Everything I heard or was told about him is true, not that I'm gonna behave now.

I'm still alive right, so he came with a suggestion to play chess. I can play a little bit but I'm not near as good as he is.

Night time, we are almost there, sleep doesn't really come to me now. On the other hand, Rourke is already asleep and to be honest he looks quite handsome when he sleeps (actually he also looks handsome when he is awake) wait did I just say that. We already got to know each other pretty well, he keeps telling me I'm special and you have to see the way he looks at me when he talks to me or even when he doesn't talk to me.

He does have a soft side I guess. I don't get why my heart starts beating so fast when I think about it.

I'm probably just tired.


	3. 1901 late night training

**1901 Wednesday**

I have been in Fort Dix for over a week now. It has been so hard, I'm not even been here that long and Rourke has pushed me already towards my breaking point.

Maybe it's because I never call him Sir or Captain to be honest I'm not feeling it to call him Sir or Captain, the only thing he does is torture me all day long. It's still fun that something so small like that can piss him off.

It's still a wonder why he hasn't killed me yet.

Now I'm in my room, they call it a barack but I just don't like that word. My fighting keeps getting better and better. I already moved on to knife throwing and gun shooting.

I actually feel quite lonely now, since I only can talk to Rourke cause I'm a private student and you can't really hang out with your teacher.

-

Coming back on that note.

Rourke came over to my room and asked if I wanted a late night training. So now I'm in his house laying on his couch cause he hit me pretty hard on my back and it hurts so he put something on it and the pain is slowly to start fading away.

His house is really nice, I love the fire place, it reminds me of home.

Why do I feel so good with him, he's 24 years older than me, but the way he touches me, takes care of me and the way his brown eyes look into my blue ones.

I never felt these feelings before.

Can it be that I'm in love with Captain Lyle Tiberius Rourke. Oh damn.


	4. 1901 Christmas Eve

**These are my own words and fantasy don't take what I write in my diary posts!**

 **1901 Christmas Eve**

I came down the chimney ho ho ho, since it's Christmas. It's so cold outside and I can see everyone here packing there stuff ready to go home. I wish I was aloud to go home to, I would love to spend the holidays with my family. But this year I can't really spend it with them.

I can a little bit because of a special military Christmas party so my family will go to that but it's just not the same, there will be a lot of people and it's not very cosy. Rourke will take me to the party since he's invited too and I don't have anyone else to drive me there.

I miss having family time not that we spend a lot of time together since father is mostly working or training me or my brothers so yeah, it kinda makes me sad and wish my family wasn't evolved in the military. It would have been nice to grow up in a house instead of an army base, constantly moving around, it would be nice to just stay in one place.

I will never have that kind of life, I'm so jealous of all the people who can have a normal life. Rourke knows this cause he made me tell him, he says that a normal life isn't for me, that I would get bored easily, he says an adventurous life is more for someone special like me.

I still don't know what he tries to say with the word "Special". Like what does he mean by that.

I should get ready now I don't want to make Rourke angry, he wouldn't be very pleased if I wasn't dressed yet.

Some people wonder how I can wright in a car, I do to. Well I'm in the car with Rourke, is it weird that I never say his first name. Never mind, we are on our way to the Christmas party now, I guess I should be happy to see my family but a part of me just can't be happy at all.

Sometimes I feel that there are 2 Helga's inside my body, this probably sounds weird but I really feel that way. I don't want this party, I don't get why Lyle (see what I did there) just won't let me go home, I mean it's not that I don't like spending all my time with him actually I like it a little bit to much sometimes, but I really would want to spend these days just with my family.

I would love to listen to there stories, to listen what I have missed these past months and to hear that they miss me. I would love a home cooked meal that my mama prepared for Christmas Eve and Christmas, to open presents with them, going on walks and counting down into the new year with them.

But sadly that's not gonna happen, Christmas wished suck anyway they never come out.

At the party right now and I'm so bored, I had a little chat with my family but that is all, they even already left so now I'm just sitting here while everyone is chatting. Even Rourke who is smoking a cigar (yuck) with some man called Donning, I heard they have fought together and stuff, and I thought he didn't have friends.

I guess I'm the only one on planet earth that has no friends. The women are not very nice I would love to remove there stupid smiles on there faces, it's all a facade anyway.

These parties never have been for me maybe someday they will I just want to go. Rourke is reading my expression on my face cause he asks if I'm okay, not with words but with silent signals, I wish I could tell him no.

Who is away from the party, I AM! Not long after my last sentence, Rourke suggested that we should go, I'm so thankful. When I asked him why he said that it was because he wanted to spend the rest of Christmas Eve alone with me, he also told me he has a present for me, I wonder what it is. I probably will tell you tomorrow, cause I don't think I will be able to wright when I'm back in Ford Dix.

I'm actually kind of curious of what he got me.


	5. 1901 Merry Christmas

**These are my own words and fantasy don't take what I write in my diary posts!**

 **1901 Christmas Eve**

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, couldn't miss this one this year Sorry Rourke is playing a lot of Christmas music. Even tho he doesn't really like that kind of music he does it for me to give me some Christmas feelings.

We are the only ones who don't go home to our family, actually I don't know if he even has a family I know he was married for 4 months but that is all. He doesn't really talk about it much, he says she wasn't good enough for him and wasting his time, that she wasn't the woman for him and that he met somebody else.

I don't know about that since the only one he hangs out with is me.

So yesterday he gave me a pre Christmas present, wanna know what it is, it was a beautiful box of perfume, it smells so good. He says I'm finally acting more like a lady and that I'm finally growing up.

It's true I do feel more lady like and I actually for the first time love being a girl, since Rourke treats me like one and not like a fighting machine like father.

I have some time for myself so I'm sitting in my favorite place in his house. It's by his Christmas tree and the huge windows he has so you can see the beautiful garden and it's also close to the fire place since the tree is right next to it.

Rourke is making our dinner, I asked if I should help but he said he could do it by himself and that the only thing I have to do is to dress pretty and to act like a lady at dinner, I guess he's giving me some sort of test to see if I can infiltrate in high society.

I'm kind of nervous, hope I do well.

Dinner is finished and Lyle said I preformed beautifully and that he's very proud, I have to be honest I did blush at his words a bit, thank god that I'm a good actress and can hide it very well.

Now we are going into town to a Christmas market or something, hope they have an ice skating rink I would love to go ice skating.

Presents are for later, this Christmas isn't so bad as I thought it would be I actually enjoy myself and I past my test.

I am so proud of myself and Lyle says I should be that I have become more social and open toward people, that I can act more friendly and easy around others and that I now can infiltrate in high society without anyone expecting something + my combat and chess skills are getting much better too. Someday I will beat the all mighty Captain Rourke.

Presents time. He got me so much beautiful stuff, he gave me brown and black gloves, some beautiful new dresses, white tank top and khaki pants, some new high heels, more girly clothes (I would say actually everything is pretty sexy) and more perfume.

He says I deserved it, ofcourse I gave him something too like, western books cause he loves to read those, a new gun holder cause I noticed his was in bad condition, I also gave him some music cause he loves to listen to a specific genre and some more things. He was very pleased and didn't expect it at all which was sweet.

The rest of the evening we just talked, trained a bit and played in the snow. Rourke kept chasing me with stupid mistletoe I was ready to shove it down his throat. Of course he catched me with it several times but it was so much fun (had to give him a lot of kisses on his cheek) until he turned his face to my surprise and I kissed him on his lips which was not my intention, the only thing he said was "got ya".

Could it be we are feeling the same feelings for each other, his eyes looked so lovely when I kissed him as if he wanted more, his brown eyes were filled with love for me.

No that's probably just my imagination, sadly cause I have to admit I do feel that way about him.


	6. 1902 New Year

1902 New year

 **These are my own words and fantasy don't take what I write in my diary posts!**

 **1902 New Year**

Happy New Year, can you believe that I'm happy these holidays are over. I don't like all the commotion there is around these days, it's not like it feels any different from any other day right.

So now it's 1902 you can catch me writing the date wrong I always forget to change the number. I'm sitting alone on a bench right not in some park which is beautifully covert in snow.

It's getting late but I don't care it's not like someone would be worrying or anything, my parents barely looked at me at the Christmas feast. Only, no he wouldn't worry, or would he be searching were I am right now.

How I wish he was.

-

My wish was granted, Rourke came looking for me and he's pretty mad right now. I'm under cold, my whole body is a Popsicle, my lips are blue,my nose is red I look like a frosted snowman.

He layed me in his bed with so many cover over me I'm sweating so hard, now I'm over heating. His room is kinda nice, is clean and plain not one single picture only military stuff and guns. But still I like it, his personality comes through.

-

That warm bath made my night, it was so relaxing. Rourke pushed me that I should take a hot bath otherwise he was scared that I would get sick, so he gave me some towels and a shirt of him that I could where when I was done.

He gave me a compliment when I came downstairs and he saw me he said that I looked better in his clothes than he does and that I should wear them more often, this made my face go tomato red.

My heart skips a beat every time I see him, I would love to be together with him, but that would be a dream forever. Tomorrow it's back to work and fighting, I look forward to the new combat skills he's going to teach me, Rourke says he has some special training that suits me perfectly.

I wonder what it is?


	7. 1902 Romance

1902 Romantic Evening

 **These are my own words and fantasy don't take what I write in my diary posts!**

 **1902 Sunday**

I have been living in Fort Dix for 3 months now and my skills have improved alot.

It's a snowy day in January and it's so cold, you should think my body would adapt faster to this cold, but no.

I have a day off, thank god, the last couple of months haven't been easy. One time Rourke and I had a combat session where I almost beaten him, so he pulled a knife out of his booth and stabbed me with it + I passed my breaking point months ago, thankfully I could hide my tears I didn't want Rourke to see me cry.

So now I have another scar on my body, I also have some on my wrist and arm but that's from something very personal that I had to do to myself. On the positive side when he stabbed me he has taken really good care of me.

By the way, I'm at the Captains place, he says that he enjoys my company. I actually spend a lot of time there.

-

Yes, I am the winner once again, the winner of my second snowball competition with Rourke.

It was his idea again cause he wanted to have a rematch from last time, and it's always nice to have a little fun in the snow.

It has been so long since I have laughed so hard. He makes me feel so alive, now he's making us some hot chocolate to drink as I'm sitting on his couch by the fire place under a huge blanket. Why does this feel like home.

Is this gonna destroy me?

-

I'm in paradise right now, I never thought I could feel love towards someone.

Let me tell you what happend.

So after our fun in the snow Rourke lifted me up and sat me down on his couch, he gave me a huge warm blanket and lit up the fire place (my nose was so red from the cold)

I was wearing one if his sweaters which are way to big of course, cause the man is 6'10" and all muscle.

But after he came back with our drinks, we started talking as we sat under the blanket together. After some talking he took me in his arms and after some sweet words (I know Rourke and sweet words it already sound like a dream)

HE KISSED ME!

I know it's wrong but I actually love him ad it was so nice and romantic. The rest of the evening we cuddled on his couch together and kissed some more and (I'm back in wonderland).

My favorite evening ever.

Wish this evening would never end!


	8. 1902 Stuck

**These are my own words and fantasy don't take what I write in my diary posts! (also this is written from my personal experience that I have dealt with these past few weeks so it's more owner personal)**

 **1902 Stuck**

Have you ever felt like your stuck, like you just live in a vicious circle and you can't get out of it. Like you are drowning and screaming but there is no one that can hear you, and you just sink deeper and deeper into the darkness.

You aren't able to see the light and loneliness takes over your whole body, every bad memory every bad word people ever said to you come back to the surface, just like that. The feeling you are alive but feel so dead at the same time, you body is functioning but your soul is not there. The feeling that you don't have a soul anymore, that only your heart beats. (even tho people say I don't have one)

Being left alone only cause you choose something different then people want you to or even be someone different but people won't accept it cause they want you to be this or that character. They don't want to understand that you only did it for the better and for yourself, they don't care how that change made you happier, less stressed, no they only care about what they want you to be.

And if you don't listen they just confront you with it, start a fight with you (not the best idea to start a fight with me) or just dump you and leave, I don't get why it's so easy for them to think they can make me into what they want, the answer is simple **they don't care**.

I feel like a play doll that everyone can do with what they want, Rourke calls me Babydoll but that I don't mind I love that nickname he has for me.

The constant stress of pleasing everyone, I'm so sick of it, I don't ask them to change or to don't do something stupid like to send 500 telegrams to some company to ask if someone can come back and to call out the CEO of that company only cause you want your way.

People these days are not fascinating to me anymore, they are quite boring, they only hurt me, and it makes me so sad. Everyone forgets I have a heart , that I'm fragile, I don't maybe look that way but I am. I just hide it cause you can't show any weakness cause that makes your component stronger. Rourke told me and he is right.

But still people just accuse me of things just like that only cause they have a huge how do you call it people who follow them or something I don't know. The thing I don't get is why do you call me out and then just steal my plans yourself only cause you think then the competition would disappear. I don't care about that girl anymore she still follows my telegrams hell I don't know why cause we don't really get along she probably only does it so she can know what I'm up to and to keep an eye on my (little does she know I know every little thing about her, you name it I know it) Rourke taught me how to be a spy and it's quite fun to know so much about people when they don't know me at all, and they don't have a clue of what I know about them.

My spy training is going pretty well, Rourke wanted to start this early cause I'm picking up everything so fast and he told me I'm ready, he also told me I am a master manipulator, which will come in handy when I have to infiltrate in high society He told me all this I have no idea of what he means by that

It actually already comes in handy now, to change the subject and manipulate my way to get what I want, never knew this could be a talent.

Now back to sorta my thoughts (also Rourke has nothing to do with it).

Never thought I could feel so betrayed by people I thought were nice (You think I should know this by now, will I ever learn my lesson) or at least some same interests. Who am I kidding I never fitted in well anywhere not even in this group where I thought I would fit it, most of the time they ignore or speak without interest towards me, so I don't even get why I still continue this, ow wait I know it's that stupid number. I like to call it **the number of hell.**

 **The number of hell** says how popular you are or how people see it loved you are, do they really think that those people care, no it's all about beauty and sweet talking, if you are different then sorry sucker your out. The number never stays the same you can gain or lose people, it's a battle with yourself to be interesting and to give everyone what they want.

If I think about it deeper that's not me, I already came so far from all the pain and sorrow to the powerful, beautiful (Rourke his word), independent, strong girl I am. In this world that's not very important no only that number counts and the lies you tell, are they really that stupid that I believe there ridiculous sob stories, if you really feel that way then why are you posting 100 pictures of yourself and act like you are a stiff plastic princess, who then steals the way I talk like she's so making fun of me. Rourke says she looks like a creep with her blue wig.

At least I have him, I start to trust him more and more everyday, he's helping me so well and I'm learning a lot. The way he treats me makes me forgive for what he accidentally did. His eyes are so warm and sweet, I love his brown eyes.

Every time I stand next or in front of him, training with him, looking at him, I feel so small. I feel even smaller when he hugs me or holds me in his arms. I love our romantic evenings, cosy and relaxed, just me and him alone cuddling and kissing on his couch. It feels like the time stops when we are together, that it's only us and no one else, that there is no pain, no hurt, no sorrow, just two people who love each other and want to be together.

He is my rock I can relay on, and I'm his Babydoll (I do love that nickname a lot) wish we could just live together without whatever work he does other than teaching. He says this is only temporarily and that he waits for the perfect job to come around the corner. It does sound like a mercenary, if that's so then I won't be able to stop him, even tho I wouldn't like it. He hasn't told me yet but I'm sensing that I'm right.

Still I would love him till death.


	9. 1902 Working On Friday Night

**These are my own words and fantasy don't take what I write in my diary posts!**

 **1902 Working on Friday Night**

And the day is done finally, I am so tired, I can't even feel my legs anymore. Rourke has been pretty rough on me this week, it has to do with a job opportunity that is coming very soon and he wants me to go with him.

But geez why do you have to be mister I'm gonna break every bone in your body until you can do every combat move right.

He makes it up to me but still. (I AM SO TIRED)

Can't really rest tonight either cause I have to accompany Rourke to his diner with the client who has a very important job or more mission for him, and how he likes to say it he wants a beautiful lady by his side.

So I'm working on Friday night, just kidding, it's more sitting, listening and be pretty.

I think I will be able to do that.

But for now I have a couple of hours to kill before the dinner so I can just relax a little and take a hot bath or something.

Almost time now, I love these beautiful feminine dresses. It's weird that those words come out of my mouth cause a couple of months ago I hated dresses. Just finished my hair and make up so I think I'm ready to go.

I'm really wondering what Rourke is wearing, since we don't change our self's in the same room, at least not yet ;)

I'm so curious I so want to look: maybe I just need to sneak to his room and have a peek, I mean that won't do any harm.

Okay that was a wrong idea, I didn't know he just came out of the shower so he was only wearing a towel, the most embarrassing moment was when he saw me and said " like what you see" I jumped and ran, my face as red as a tomato.

When it was time to go, we just laughed at it, to be honest it was quite funny. He looked so handsome in his grey suit and his black tie that he wore, I have a weakness for older men in a suit or uniform ( since he is 24 years older than me).

The dinner is done now and it's already past midnight.

We are not really sleepy, I guess we both wanted to be together than at that dinner just cuddling alone, the 2 of us. The dinner was fine, Rourke is so proud of me and now he knows I'm ready, so when he starts this job I'm going with him.

He told me there is only one last part that I need to finish but he is kinda secretly about it, he won't tell me what it is all about. I just have to be surprised I guess, cause with Lyle you never know what kinda curve he throws at you.

For right now I'm to tired to think about it anyway I just want to enjoy the moment of me laying in his strong muscular arms, his eyes burning into mine.

I love this man so much.


	10. 1902 Wonderland

**These are my own words and fantasy don't take what I write in my diary posts!**

 **1902 Wonderland**

Do you know the phrase "Take me to wonderland" well that's where I am right now. Not really wonderland but it is to me, Rourke took me home to Frankfurt the place I was are not in the exact same place but still.

I am in Frankfurt for my last part of my training, Rourke had a friend who had a house there and he borrowed it shorty before he past away in one of the many battles they fought together. Since that man doesn't have any relatives, Rourke decided to keep it for himself as a get away, and now I am here with him for a romantic week. I have no idea what this has to do with my training, but a week just me and Rourke alone in a beautiful house and romantic atmosphere, count me in.

It's so nice not to be in Fort Dix and to be away for a week in another place, not looking at those horribly grey walls and fighting equipment. Surrounded by nature, still not far from the center of the busy city, it's like a dream.

We just arrived so we are unpacking all our stuff and making our self's comfortable.

We haven't been doing much today since we just arrived and we are both very tired from the long trip, so we are just relaxing, maybe take a brief walk or something later. I want this dream to never end, it feels to good to be true.

I just unpacked all my stuff, the only awkward thing is that there is only one bedroom and yeah we have to sleep in the same bed. I'm not really ready for that which is probably really stupid but I made a promise to my mom and now it feels that I'm sorta breaking that promise.

I know that it's just sleeping but it still gives me a funny feeling, I need to relax and stop worrying about it, I trust Rourke.

I really enjoy this place it brings back some childhood memories, even tho my family was traveling a lot sometimes we came back here and just had a little vacation and some quality time together. It's really nice of Lyle to bring me here.

I appreciate it so so much. Maybe sleeping in one bed isn't so scary at all, I mean he is the man that I love so there shouldn't be anything wrong with it or to worry about.

It all will be fine Helga:)

It won't be fine, well now it's fine again but not in the beginning. As we both prepared for bed, I took so long to get the courage to come out of the bathroom. Rourke was already in bed and I was so scared to come out in like a tiny silk nightgown and Rourke sitting there shirtless and all.

He was worried something happened when I finally came out, I was so shy and insecure, he saw it of course right away how I was feeling (I can never hide it from him, I can hide it for any one else in the world but not from him) so he stood up and hugged me, as he whispered in my ear that I was so beautiful and so wonderful.

My legs were getting so weak at that moment and my heart was pounding so fast, as he kissed me and lifted me up in his arms, carrying me to the bed as he sat me down and held me super tight and close to him. As we kissed in the night.

He told me I should never feel insecure around him and that I don't have to be scared, that I'm safe with him and that he will protect me. His words sound so sincere and sweet, still there something in my mind that tells me not to believe everything he tells me.

But how can I not I believe him and love him so much, I really want to enjoy this week with him and just have a feeling how it should be if we were married or a couple that everybody knows about. (Every night I dream that I marry him, how much I wish I was his wife forever).


	11. 1902 meeting

**These are my own words and fantasy don't take what I write in my diary posts!**

 **1902 Meeting**

Sunday already these days are going way to fast, before I know it the week is over again and I'm heading back to well not to Fort Dix but to a house in Texas. Guess who's house it is yes you are right Rourke's! There he will continue my special training, since there's no need for me to train at Dix anymore, I'm at the top of my classes, past all the exams and since this is special training, Rourke decided it would be best if we just trained at his place.

So when he starts the job, he will make sure I'm fully ready, we have a meeting about it in the afternoon, so that I can go with him as his assistant or lieutenant. We are going to a restaurant were an assistant of the client will tell us what we have to do for him.

It's actually not really a busy day for me it's just sitting, listening, smiling and being pretty oh and maybe a little bit of manipulating so that he tells more than he actually wants or needs to tell us, since Rourke wants to know the catch behind it all.

Not a very big deal, just the usual for me.

Sitting in front of my vanity getting ready, I have decided to wear my low cut black slit dress with my black gloves and my diamond earrings, not to fancy but just like Rourke would prefer to see me sexy but classy.

Every time there is like a party or dinner I'm always wondering what Rourke would wear (stupid loving man in a suit or uniform syndrome) He always looks so damn good, can't get distracted by him or more like it he by me, since that happens more and more.

Almost done just only my red lipstick and ... finito I'm ready to accompany my handsome Commander to his dinner appointment.

Wish me luck.

-

I'm back and it's not that late it's only 7pm and we are back, the dinner was nice and I got a lot of information out of Jefferson (that was the mans name) Rourke is more than pleased with me for pulling it off so well. Who knows maybe one day you could see me on the big screen as an actress, just kidding.

So now we know when the employer want us to start our expedition, we still have some time left since he wants to start it by the end of next month, beginning of march, since it's winter and snowing and we need a better environment with more stable weather.

So I can train for more than a month and a half which is definitely enough time, so happy I can finally take these stiletto heals of, even tho I walk in heals all the time, my feet are still not used to it.

Rourke is in one of those moods again were he can't decide what to do with his happiness, so it's me who has to take all the hugs and smiles and kisses and being lifted up many times and being spun around, you can't hear me complain tho . I love his good and romantic moods, I feel so loved by him.

Actually I would love to play some chess with him since he is in such a good mood, so he won't kill me when I beat him again ;) No he never would do that since I am the only one who can get away with almost everything.

Love these kind of winter days snow outside, cold, but warm inside the whole atmosphere is just right, I can stay here forever


	12. 1902 The Night Everything Changed

**These are my own words and fantasy don't take what I write in my diary posts! (the firts part is based on my real life events that had happened to me personally)**

 **1902 The Night**

 **Everything Changed**

How could I have not seen this coming, I am the stupidest girl on planet earth, how could I be so blind. All those nice words and those loving gestures with his eyes were just a trick to lure me in, to have my love, my thoughts and the worst part my body. I wasn't ready nor was I every ready, I don't even know why I let him continue oh I know cause I love him. I can't even understand that this was part of my training, he just wanted me and this night he made sure he had me.

I am a grown woman now, my body is in better shape than it's ever been yes I must admit I look sexy, even in the dresses and clothes he gave me, but hell was I ready for this.

It's the middle of the night now and I can't sleep, I still can't believe that this has happened, I don't know how to feel, it's like I'm so empty, he's sound asleep now his strong arms around me, and the only thing I want to do is cry. Cry and shower for over one million times, this is not me, this is not who I am.

He hurt me so much, he broke my heart I always thought I was gonna marry him eventually but no he doesn't want to get married he just wanted my whole being. I'm way younger than he is but to him that doesn't matter, he just wanted to make sure, he was the first and that I was his forever by claiming me this way.

My heart is torn apart and still I have these feelings for him, I still love him, I still want to be with him, I still want to kiss him, I still want his arms around me his brown eyes on me and his lips on my body, I still want to be his forever and his hands on me.

My thinking is so wrong but I can't help it, his sweet little lies, that I believe so easily, his sexy hot body all over mine, I just can't stop this my heart still wants him even after this, my body still wants him.

 **I just sold my soul to the devil and now I am forever his prisoner.**

 **-**

Its the next morning now and I over reacted probably, I mean I am old enough right to do these things and he promised me that he would be the only one that I have to give myself to, I only have to lead people on, cause like he says men are drawn towards me so I have to manipulate them and bring them to him.

He also said he wouldn't allow any other men to touch me or to have this experience with **,** he told me that this morning when he made me breakfast in bed (Couldn't he have told me this last night before I panicked) at least he told me now.

Now I finally know what he meant by me being the perfect weapon, nobody would think that I could strangle them with both my hands in a couple of seconds cause they don't expect a girl like me to be this combat skilled babydoll. He still calls me his babydoll.

First I doubted that he actually had feelings for me, but after he explained it better and made me breakfast and did some other things, he made me feel so loved and truly his and he basically pleaded that he loved me, and he even told me that maybe he would change his mind about marriage.

Since like he puts it " I am the perfect girl he has always been looking for, beautiful and dangerous, a true challenge for life" and everyone knows that Lyle loves a challenge.

We still have a couple of days left in Frankfurt and then we are going to his home in Texas, I guess we are even in front of his schedule since the special part of my training has been revealed and happened.

I wonder what we would do in Texas since the job starts only end of next month beginning of march.

Please don't let there be more surprises I think I've had enough for some time, there is only one problem left.

 **How will I ever tell this to my parents?**


	13. 1902 Personal

1902 Personal

 **These are my own words and fantasy don't take what I write in my diary posts!**

 **1902 Personal**

How can people be like this, so mean and so vicious, I am done with people seriously done and over them.I am sick of being treated like crap by them, only cause I changed they are ignoring me, doing like they never ever have talked to me, hating on the things I make, like why. Only cause I don't want to be this kind off person anymore, to me I am better now less childish more mature.

But there is one person who is getting on my nerves (actually there is 2) but this person lives in the country I was born in and I don't get her deal anymore, you would think it's done now that I have changed my entire human being, but no she still wants to torture me in every stupid way she can (I laugh at the thought that she told me to get help while she is the one who actually needs it) stupid girl, you would think for her age she would be more mature.

So I was right you can better be alone, popular people are always a pain in the ass cause it's never enough for them they only want more and if you get on there path then they become valiant. Which is so dumb and for what for the Rourke cupi doll lol.

Rourke always says that when someone crosses his line when he gets angry, it's a pretty funny saying.

At least I can relieve my heart with him as he is actually a pretty good listener and advice giver who knew, also he relieves his heart with me too.

I really needed to write my anger down since I can't act on my anger when I'm training it's best I do it this way.


	14. 1907-1908 Chris Jenkins

1907-1908 Chris Jenkins

 **These are my own words and fantasy don't take what I write in my diary posts!** **(this is based on my boyfriend that died 6 years ago his name was Chris J.(yes his last name started with a J. too) too (yes I am the real life Helga) and I wanted to make this special post for him. I still love you Chris hope you are happy up there in the clouds.**

 **1907-1908 Christopher (Chris) Jenkins**

Today is the day I wright about the man that truly loved me, a strong beautiful man who had his heart on the right place, who broke down my walls and melted the ice around my heart, That man was my Chris.

I met Chris on a party that my dad had organized a year after I went my own way, away from Rourke. I actually first saw him around the military base my dad worked, you could say he was stalking me that day, following me around, looking at my every move. I thought I would only see him this one time but I kept on bumping in to him, day after day.

Then on the moment of the party he still kept looking at me and that's the moment I first talked to him, when I first met him I thought he was the same as all the other men. I thought he only wanted to bed me like every other men or guy that looked, talked or smiled at me, but no he was different, he actually had a crush on me.

The whole night we kept on talking and after that we went on several dates. Chris was nice and sweet, he truly cared about me, scared that something would happen to me, he was understanding even after I told him about Rourke, he just comforted me and told me so many sweet things.

Our first Christmas together was magical, he kept chasing me with mistletoe and we played in the snow the whole day, making a snowman, cuddling in the snow, every thing was so perfect. On that moment he went on his knee and he asked me to marry him. It was the best day of my life, every day with Chris was magical.

Until one year later my whole magical world changed, Chris went missing, and after a couple of months they claimed that he had past away, He died, I was and still am so broken about it, he was my future and they took him away from me, we had plans, we wanted to start a family together and all of a sudden he was gone.

I fell in a deep dark whole, I lost all my sense to live, I just wanted to be gone, the pain in my heart was unbearable, I couldn't take it all anymore. If he hadn't stopped me I would have killed myself, but there he was Lyle Rourke.

I hadn't seen him for almost 3 years and suddenly there he was, he threw my knife away from me and hugged me tightly on the ground, he let me cry for hours, hours I have spent in his arms just sobbing and crying my eyes out.

Telling him I don't understand how this could have ever happened, Chris didn't have any enemies at all, I just can't make any sense out of this. Still to this day I can't make anything of it.

But I thank Rourke for being there with me just on time, Chris was my world, my everything, he had my whole heart, he was different then anybody else in the world. Yes he was kinda a nerd but he was the most caring human being I have ever known, I shouldn't be crying anymore but I still do even while writing this.

Everything has been taken away from me, everything I care about, my whole future I had has been washed away, the only person I still have is Rourke and I know this is so wrong but I still love him so much even after everything bad, but he made it up by being there for me, for stopping me, for taking care of me when I was so lost.

I own him everything, ow my dear Chris I still wish every single day that you are still alive, it's hard when I'm still waiting for him to come home but I know he never will return to me.

This has been a very hard year but I wanted to dedicate this journal post to my

 **Lieutenant Christopher (Chris) Jenkins**

I will never forget you my love thank you for giving me the best year of my life even tho our time together was short I will treasure it forever and every I love you Chris and I will until the day I die.


End file.
